Testicles
Appreciating the Family Jewels
Testicles get an unfair rap. Usually grouped with the penis, they play second banana to the often over-rated penis which gets all the attention. If they were located elsewhere (as they are on The Family Guy’s chin) the testicles would be seen more favorably. Usually called balls, testicles are perceived as the source of male strength. Many men have testicles, but not balls. Many women have balls, but no testicles.
Testicles enjoy naked swimming the best. Weightless like orbiting astronauts, they move about the ocean like globular jelly fish. With no gravity or bathing suit, they are free to explore, moving about like lava lamps through the brine. Testicles are a critical component for the survival of our species. Only a sadist would deprive them of this happiness by tucking them into a bathing suit.
Women wear bras to keep their breasts from sagging, while men leave their testicles to dangle— freeballing, it’s called. Testicles tend to sag and most agree they are quite ugly, while never really examining them in much detail. For non-nudists, they live a horrid life, enclosed within underpants which are hot and humid, their nearest neighbor an asshole.
As any major league baseball player will testify, testicles always need adjusting. Like little Houdini’s, they are always trying to escape. Baseball players don jock straps and groin protectors. They’d rather lose their front teeth than have a groundball hit their scrotums.
Self defense classes start with a hard strike to the testicles, as if testicles are lethal and must be eliminated first. It’s not that testicles are dangerous, it’s that they are the most vulnerable part of a man’s body. A side kick to the groin can leave Andre the Giant bent over gasping, but so can sitting on a bicycle seat the wrong way.
Recently a new phrase has emerged, “I’m gonna punch you in the dick.” This is meant to be even worse than a kick to the balls. This makes little sense. No man is going to feel a punch to his dick, you might as well say I’m going to punch you in the elbow. Aim a little lower, or you’re just sounding stupid.
Women are self-conscious if their breasts are a different size, but men never complain when one testicle is bigger than the other. They probably never noticed. This is a break with the general symmetry of the naked man unique in the world of body parts, known as the Skipper and Gilligan phenomenon.
Testicles don’t need tanning, they have a color of their own. Like a baboon’s butt, they can be as enflamed as a firetruck, purple as an aubergine or yellow as April snow. Be careful when they turn blue.
Clothes scrunch the penis and testicles together so when getting undressed they tend to plop out in a discombobulated clump. Since it’s uncool to re-arrange them in public, male nudists may end up looking like a batch of cauliflower has rooted in their nether regions.
Like the butt, the testicles aren’t obscene. Shaped like breasts, but without the critical nipple to make them sexual, testicles are just lumps of flesh, jiggling and sloshing, but not stimulating or arousing. Which is why so many tribes cover the penis with various gourds and sheaths, but leave the relatively unnoticeable, unimpressable, unremarkable testicles uncovered.
TV chefs love to shock viewers by eating testicles. Bull testicles braised in a suspicious sauce are devoured like spicy Spanish omelets. Sheep testicles, also known as mountain oysters, are slipped down the throat in one gulp. Animal testicles may be more delicious than human testicles, but only the experienced mortician can tell the difference. Food connoisseurs eat a lot of testicles, but they never eat ovaries, which many in the manosphere see as blatant discrimination.
The moist, sweaty, manure-like environment of the clothed groin means that hair sprouts on testicles like a Chia Pet. Just as some men prefer beards, others like to be clean-shaven. As Austin Powers says, “there is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It’s breathtaking; I suggest you try it.”
Michelangelo’s David has the two most famous shaved testicles in history. Looking from below, the hard marble testicles look soft and squishy. Most art lover’s eyes go straight to the penis-- even in Florence testicles get no respect. David’s determined face is best understood as having a sculptor going at his testicles with a chisel, also the face of men on a doctor’s visit hearing, “Cough, please.”
Comedians love abusing the testicles, testicular pain is funny. We all fall out of our seats with laughter when Stan steps on a rake, usually followed by a close up of his face trying to contain the pain. In the real world, we look the other way when testicle injury occurs. Testicle pain is best dealt with in private. Ovaries are the female equivalent of testicles, or at least that’s what they say, I’ve never seen one, women’s reproductive organs are hidden, no one can say whether it would be funny to punch them.
In the age when Larry Bird played in basketball shorts that were actually shorts, it was common for a testicle to make an unexpected appearance. A ball would appear like a mouse poking his head out the mousehole seeing if it was safe. Similar to women who suffer nip slips, this was known as a ball fall, or a sack collapse.
The word testicle is another one of those words that make us squirm, so it’s probably better to use gonad. These two cringey, scientific words are for the parts of male sexual anatomy responsible for reproducing the human race, miniature factories producing sperm in such quantities that the world would double in size if left unchecked.
In the clothing world, testicles are anonymous. They live in the dark, at the bottom of a man’s torso, like they’re hiding out from a bank robbery. Men hide them away like they’re worth a million bucks, like a bag of diamonds kept inside a safe. They are the forgotten treasure. In the nudist world, they shake and jiggle like Charo on the Love Boat. Finally freed, they swing and hop like they’re auditioning for the Chorus Line.
Testicles have never hurt anyone, yet they frighten almost everyone. Testicles ask so little, it’s unfair to treat them with such disrespect. They’re cute when you get to know them, wrinkly as a pug’s face and just as soft. They only want to be loved and cuddled, but most are afraid to get near them. They deserve a day in the sun, so for all the men out there, take them out when you go to the beach. Just don’t forget the sunblock.
Oh my gosh! lol!
Balls out hilarious.